When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
