Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
