I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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