She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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