Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
