Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
