He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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