the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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