so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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