One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize