90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Let's get the cat blown out
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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