I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
