Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
