Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
