drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
