I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
