If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
