whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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