so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
