There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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