she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
