all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
