i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
