You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I am naked and annoyed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
