the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
People with herpes should wear stickers.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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