I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
