i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize