Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
