So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
