I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Text me some of your sweat
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
