Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
