he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
