it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
