I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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