See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize