She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
