It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just invented taco cereal.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
