I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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