i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
