All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
