i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize