I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
