Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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