please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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