the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
