New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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