hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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