I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
