believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
