you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
