puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
