Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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