i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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