I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
