Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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