yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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