Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
