I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
