dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
