Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
