I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
