NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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