can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
