Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just want to make out with him forever
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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